a little bit anxious

This afternoon, after coffee and a croque monsieur with Lauren, I went to see Revolutionary Road. It was truly excellent. I read the book a few years ago, and thought it was well-written but depressing. And the previews really highlighted the hopelessness of it all. So I was not necessarily amped up to see the film, but I normally like to see as many Oscar-nominated movies as possible, since I get a big kick out of the whole thing.

I really was blown away. The only negative point for me was Kate Winslet's American accent, which I found distracting. It was like she was forcing it, along with moving her hands too much. When she communicated with her body or her eyes, however, she was excellent.

For those who haven't read/seen it, the story revolves around a young couple, stuck in American suburbia in the 50s. Their dream is to move to Paris, which they imagine will save their marriage and their lives. They see Paris as a sort of  panacea for their dull, dreamless routine. It was interesting to watch it in Paris, surrounded by Parisians. Several lines that are not actually funny were laughed at, such as the comment that Paris is dirt-cheap to live in, or that it's the only city where people feel really alive.

But even though I really enjoyed the movie, I've been hit by a big attack of uneasiness. I did move to Paris, and I am happy here, but I feel like I'm drifting. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know where I'll be living, or working, or anything, six months from now. This happens to me every so often, that I just get hit with a big wave of anxiety. Why am I doing this? Why am I living here? What do I want my life to look like? Where is it going?

I hate these nights. I end up searching for masters programs, as a means to stay here legally, even though I have zero desire to go back to school. I get all panicked at the thought of not knowing what's coming. In the movie, everyone who hears about the couple's plans to move to Paris thinks it's unrealistic and childish, immature and irresponsible. Is it? Is it time for me to go home? Do I want to?

Ugh. I wish I had some security, or a long-term job. When I don't think about any of it, and just go through my day, I'm fine. But as soon as I start to think about what I want, I freak out. Because I don't really know what I want . . .