why I'm still single

I've been on meetic for a few months now, and aside from a few possibilities that disappeared over Christmas vacation, it's slim pickings. So that you can see what my options are, I've compiled a list of some of my favorite emails. You may remember a similar post last year, but I think this one is even better. The 2009 crop just seems to be a bit wackier.

The following is why, this Valentine's Day, I am still single.

There are the overly dramatic letters:

• Je sais bien que vous pouvez etre ma moitie, dans un amour affectioner, solid et eternel. Dans une vie heurese a nous deux, la ou ons passera des jour heureus au soleil emssemble, des belle nuit de tendresse. Je veux bien batir ma vie au tour de vous. Allord ecrivez moi, et dite moi: Comment ons vous appelle? Allord moi je n'y pense qu' a vous. Dans notre prochaine correspondence, je vous passerai mon numero du telephone, comme ca vous pouriez l'avoir et m'appeller de temps a autre./ (translation) I know that you could be my other half, in an affectionate, solid, and eternal love. The two of us could live a happy life, where our happy days together in the sun will turn into beautiful nights of tenderness. I want to build my life around you. So write me, and tell me: What is your name? I think only of you.  The next time we write, I will give you my phone number, so that you can call me.
  

I LOVE that this guy thinks it's totally normal to say he's ready to build his life around me, and then follow it up by asking my name. Classic.

• My body and my hands speak instead of me. I don't want no longer live without words and love of words. In french, in English. Here and everywhere in the world I would like to be listened and reachable.

• bonjour , je m'appelle ezzedine , cela veut dire la richesse de dieu en tunisien ...passons. Je vais te dire qui je suis un et ce que je souhaite ...... je suis apnéiste , je bosse dans la stratégie et ingénierie financiere sur les champ elyses , urbaniste étudiant , j'aime le monde du silence et de l'eau .Je suis épicurien , j'aime le vin japonais ,je créé des lampes et je surf un peu . la nuit lorsque je fais trop la fete , mes amis m appellent le papillon , car je monte sur les frigos et je fais du streap tease :-) Ma passion comme Icare est la chute libre (wing suit , youtube.. ) Les femmes m aiment pour mon calme et ma maturité , lorsque tout va mal , je les fais rire et on part au resto .Lorsque tout va bien , c'est l'orgasme pour tout les deux .. On m'appelle le philosophe car je ne m'émerve jamais , mes fesses sont tendres car je fais du velo et du jogging ..Je ne te propose pas de plan d'un soir , juste une rencontre (phone number) (email), d'origine tunisienne , coeur corse pendant 20 ans ,3 ans a Lyon , 1 année a la Reunion , 1 année a Toulouse et depuis deux mois dans le 20ème metro gambetta , dans deux ans je m'installe à Miami sous les tropiques au soleil . Bon assez parlé , j'en ai marre , je craque pour toi , j'ai eu le coup de foudre , et chaque matin je regarde ta photo , c'est mon petit soleil a moi. Si tu savais combien le chocolat est fondant , tu n'imagines pas combien je fond pour toi . Mes yeux sont comble de plaisir en te regardant . J'aimerai t aimer toute une vie , jusqu 'a la fin de ces nuits pour te combler de desirs et d'envie .Mon coeur ne reve que de toi , mes levres veulent se poser sur les tiennne , mes mains tremblent et mon esprit vacille pour vous .J'ai aussi un peu voyagé ( Sardeigne , Sicile , COrse , Tunisie , Italie , Allemagne , Madagascar , Reunion , Cuba, Maurice ) Mes sentiments ont réellement et sincerement envie de te rencontrer ;-)/ (translation)Hello, my name is Ezzedine, That means god's richness in Tunisian. Let's move on. I want to tell you that I am the one and all that you are looking for. I am a free diver, I work in financial strategy and engerineering on the Champs Elysees, an urban student, I love the world of silence and water. I am a foodie, I love Japanese wine, I create images and I surf a little. When I party too much at night, my friends called me "the butterfly," because I climb on refrigerators and do a strip tease. Like Icarus, I love to free fall. Women love me for my calmness and my maturity, and when everything is going wrong I make them laugh and we go to a restaurant. When everything is going well, it's an orgasm for two. They call me the philosopher because I never get upset. My ass is sore because I bike and jog. I'm not proposing a one-night stand, just a meeting (phone number) (email), I'm originally Tunisian, but have had a Corsican heart for 20 years. I spent 3 years in Lyon, 1 year in La Reunion, 1 year in Toulouse, and now for two months I have been in the 20th arrondissement, at metro Gambetta, and in two years I will move to Miami to live under the tropical sun. Okay, enough talking. I'm sick of it. I'm crazy about you. I'm smitten, and every morning I look at your picture, and it's like my own little sun. If you knew how melty chocolate is, you couldn't imagine how much I melt for you. My eyes are filled with pleasure at looking at you. I would like to love you for a lifetime, until the end of my nights, to fill you up with desire. My heart drearms of nothing but you, my lips want to press against yours, my hands tremble and my spirit wavers for you. I've also traveled a little (Sardinia, Sicily, Corsica, Tunisia, Italy, Germany, Madagascar, La Reunion, Cuba, Mauritius). My feeling are true and sincere, and I really want to meet you.
  

I thought this one was beyond weird. Like, truly just insane. But Pauline thought the whole thing was a big joke, and that the guy was obviously being funny and that it was a very nice email, spelled well, and funny. So perhaps that's my big problem. If a smart French girl like Pauline thinks that this is a very nice email, what the hell kind of chance do I have of finding someone *I* think is normal?

There are the letters from French men who can barely write in French:

• Bjr t mignonne je c bien c pas moi le 1emr que t di .../(French translation)Bonjour, t'es mignonne. Je sais bien c'est pas moi le premier que te le dit . . ./(English translation) Hello, you're cute. I'm sure I'm not the first one to tell you that.

The guys with unfortunate handles, like little_willy.

The ones who use a dating site inappropriately:

• J'ai besoin de travailler mon anglais donc je te contacte!/ (translation) I need to work on my english, so I'm contacting you!

• Bonjour, je me doute bien que vous n'êtes pas là pour bosser, mais votre métier m'intéresse. J'écris des contes, et j'avoue que malgré les conseils unanimes autour de moi, j'ai beaucoup de mal à franchir le pas pour aller voir quelqu'un. Pas que je ne veuille pas, juste que j'ai un peu peur... Vous pourriez peut-être me donner quelques conseils, voire lire ce que j'écris... Si vous êtes d'accord, dîtes-moi comment vous souhaitez que nous entrions en contact. Merci, Je m'appelle Olivier/(translation) Hello, I'm sure that you're not here to work, but your career interests me. I write tales, and I swear that, despite the unanimous advice from all around me, I'm having a hard time taking the first step to go see someone. It's not that I don't want to, just that I'm scared. Could you maybe give me some advice, read what I've written  . . . If you agree, tell me how we can get in touch. Thank you. My name is Olivier.
  

Now, I put that my job is an English teacher and a children's book editor. Should I take that down? I mean, if someone else writes that they're an accountant or a lawyer, do they get requests for tax preparation or lawsuits? I can't be the only one this happens to.

There are still, of course the overly persistent ones, who send me four emails in an hour, the last titled simply "Come on !!!!!!!!!!"

The bizarrely passive-aggressive emails:

• Wow, an American in Paris, that's unusual! Nice reading your description. When are you going back to NYC ?

The ones where I can't tell if they're joking or not:

• Vu que tu viens de New York Je voulais juste te demander si le nom de Marcus xxxxx te dit quelque chose./(translation) Since you're from New York I just want to ask if the name Marcus xxxxx means anything to you.
  

• Je suis triste que McCain n'ait pas remporté l'élection! Peut-être que la prochaine sera la bonne.../(translation) I'm sad that McCain didn't win the election. Maybe next time the right man will win.

The stereotypical pick-up lines:

• Tu n'as jamais pensé à poser?/(translation) Have you ever thought of modeling?
  

And the funny attempts at English:

• Hello cutie! What do you think about me and you being nice together? :)

• If you want to drop some lines with me, it's gonna be great !

Here's hoping that the rest of you are having a bit more luck. Happy Valentine's Day!